Dear Misanthropic Mike,
My bros and I just finished a speed-filled marathon of The Fast and the Furious, 2 Fast 2 Furious and Tokyo Drift. I gotta tell ya’ Mike; we’re totally geeked-up! I’m chomping at the bit to get my tuner tuned-up and race ready. Where do I get started? Andy Lupa, Chino Hills, CA
Andy,
Alright you little puke; get started by driving that go-kart of yours off a cliff. My hate and distaste for crappy little cars is known far and wide. Not to mention my hate and distaste for movies about crappy little cars. But, since you asked nicely, I’ll squeeze an answer out for you.
First, you need some open spoke wheels to high-light those rear brake drums. Then, get a wing—a big one—and mount that baby to your deck lid. OK so far? Drink a bunch of Folgers coffee and attach the empty can to your exhaust tip. Now, fire that baby up and go racing for pinks down at the local boulevard.
Seriously Andy, if you’re hell-bent on making a slow car go fast, or at least less slow, you gotta get a programmer. There are a lot of ‘em out there; brands like Jet, Unichip and Venom cater to the baby-tuner market. Plug that chip in and watch your horsepower and torque go through the roof.
Then, you need an intake. That little whiz-banger needs air, the more the better. If you can get those tiny lungs a breathin’, you can get that tiny car a movin’. Look to the big boys for air: K&N, AEM and Injen make cold air kits designed to resuscitate that itty-bitty wind-up toy you call a motor.
OK, you got the air in; now you gotta get the air out, genius. I have one word for ya’ Andy—exhaust. Performance exhaust kits are plentiful for little cars. But, don’t feel pressured into the “exhaust-envy” mentality of “my tip is bigger that your tip.” FYI, my souped-up diesel rig sports a gargantuan exhaust tip that’s guaranteed to make your compact blush.
What’s next? Stopping safely. As touched on earlier, some compacts are equipped with drum brakes. That’s right—drums—as in century-old technology. Swap ‘em out for a disc conversion kit. And while you’re at it, swap those baby discs on the front for some performance stoppers. SSBC is a great company for such a set-up.
There you go Andy, your own little baby hot-rod. I gotta warn you though, when your rearview mirror is filled with billet aluminum and you hear the angry rumble of my diesel rig, just pull aside. There’s no amount of bolt-on power to get you and your little pedal car out of the way quick enough.
By: Mike Kirby Smith